I know everyone has that point where they say I'm done. The real question is how do you portray yourself to the rest of the world, when this happens? It seems right after the guys deploy, it hits after 1 to 2 weeks and it is like everyone goes a little crazy. Facebook and any other social networking site is a great place to see this. One day everyone is coping fine and then the next it is bickering over who has the right to be more stressed. I have said it before but deployment is hard on everyone. Those who don't have children are unable to understand the struggle for those that have kids. Then you have those who have been there before and have older children trying to explain to the first time deployment mommies the challenges that they have experienced and are experiencing now. A lot of wives have this sense that nothing could be worse than their experience and it is because they are suffering tunnel vision. You get so focused on your own challenges that you forget to be supportive of those in a different situation.
The young wife, going through their first deployment is hurting and going through the same separation as everyone else. It is unfair to say you have no idea. Unless you know all of her inner workings, you may not realize she has other issues or that him being gone has left her depressed and with way too much time to linger on him being gone. She can’t sleep because she isn’t used to being alone all of the time. It is lonely and she feels isolated from others. Often times those with kids tell her how much worse it could be and to get over it. Well to those that would say that, maybe you need to get of your high horse and back off. Let her grieve and post annoying little quotes about love or make it a point to say how much she misses and loves him a hundred times a day. She isn’t forcing you to care. She is merely expressing her emotions. If it is that big of an issue, don’t be online friends.
Then you have the young mother with one child. She is seeing her baby have problems with daddy being gone and immerses herself in her child and spends her time focused on him being gone. That situation sucks. How do you explain to a toddler why they can't see daddy? She gets emotional and will often isolate herself from anyone but her family. At least she spends part of her day focused on her child and house but even that is stressful. Your poor baby crying for daddy and in any free time, her mind automatically starts thinking about him. She misses her husband and has the pain of seeing a child miss daddy as well. She may still get online and post a lot of love poems and how she can’t wait for him to call. Once again you are not forced to pay attention and if you can’t handle being a friend, do a favor and don’t be. Walk away, in the end she will be better off.
Then you have the wife with more than one child but they are still young. It is easy to get frazzled when you have a baby that depends on you for every need and a toddler or preschooler that can't understand what a year means. This is an incredibly stressful situation. This person has little or no time for herself or own thoughts. She is too busy with the temper tantrums of an upset child who doesn't know how to cope and still running a household, caring for a baby, and trying to hold her own emotions back, so she doesn't cause her child any extra hurt. She tries to hold back her feelings about the deployment whenever the kids are around and there is rarely a minute in the day where someone doesn’t have demands. This is probably the group mostly likely to snap on those who say how hard a deployment is that don’t yet have kids. I think it is because when she has that second to think about it, that she can’t see how anyone has it worse. After all when does she get time to herself to cope with all of these emotions? It is probably best when you see an outburst online that you offer support and help. It is hard to deal with kids without a deployment.
The next groups are those wives with some experience. They have a couple of kids (or more) and have a deployment or 2 (or more) behind them. They are a wealth of knowledge and often trying to give advice and not trying to make you feel bad. Even if sometimes it comes across condescending, they are only trying to explain how it is for them and how it was. Unfortunately, they may make you feel like they are comparing stories to compete with others. They are dealing with their husband leaving and older kids that do understand how long a deployment is, while still sometimes dealing with younger ones as well. Each phase has its own challenges. It may also be that they have been at this game long enough, that their kids have grown and basically left and they find themselves alone. She probably isn’t going to post much online about the deployment and some may not even know when her husband left. She has been through this enough to not need to make it public and will just mention they are having a bad or off day. She may offer advice that others don’t want and it is best to just ignore them. They are only offering wisdom and advice but if you aren’t ready to listen, it won’t matter.
Now that I went on and on about the basic types of wives, maybe you can see where all levels have their challenges. Rather than berating, bickering, or giving each other a hard time, we should step back and say if you need help support or want to do something lets go. We shouldn’t give each other such a hard time. We are here to support one another and that should be everyone’s goal. As for those young wives, let me give you advice get up, get out, and get back to life. Life doesn’t stop at home because your soldier is away and I am certain that isn’t what he would want. The best way to survive a deployment is to spend it with friends and those who understand your struggles. Army wives unite and stop using the internet in a passive aggressive attack of others. We are stronger if we all work together.
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